The Miracle Suit

I told you that my husband took me on a little date this weekend and bought me a few things I didn't need. One of those things was a new swimsuit. Some of you might think that sounds nice, that means you are one of two types of people 1) a stick figure or 2) a masochist . I didn't think I needed one but he made reference to the broken hook on the back of my suit and the lack of elastic at the buttocks as his reason for this trip. He thought that perhaps since we will be going to the water park this week for Jacob's birthday (sob, sob) that I should have something that will not fall off me on the first ride. Boy time have changed, years ago he would have found that idea amusing. He made me go to Macy's, not because he knows anything about swim wear but because it was the closest store to TGIF's and walking isn't high on our priority list. We started in the Juniors section where swimsuits are the equivalent of dental floss and band aids so we made our way to the grown up suits and were thrilled to find that they were having a huge sale. Everything was 50% off (the price, not the suit) and we had an offer for 20% off on top of that. Cha Ching!! At least that is what I thought until I saw the prices on the suits. Even with that huge 70% discount I would be sacrificing a tank of gas or even worse an entire month of coke. I am of the opinion that the less fabric used in an article of clothing the less it should cost. I was baffled as to why these tiny weeny suits should cost more than our tent that sleeps 8.

(gag, spit spit, gag) sorry, I took a small break to throw laundry in the washer and just licked my finger only to realize I had spilled a bit of Tide on my hand and now i am foaming at the mouth, but I'll be okay.

We found a row of promising swim suits called "the Miracle Suit" "Look ten pounds younger in ten minutes" is the claim emblazoned upon the tag. "Wow, that sounds great" my husband says while guarding his more sensitive areas. We've been married 15 years and he still doesn't realize that kind of comment will deserve a kick or two? He picked out three and sent me to the dressing room. The "10 pound" comment was promising but the "10 minutes" one concerned me, why would it take 10 minutes to make me look thinner. I've been putting suits on for years, I was a competitive swimmer after all so I have the process streamlined. I seriously underestimated the power of lycra. This suit was so elastic that it could double as a sling shot/catapult for Shrek in his next movie. It soon became apparent that the writer of the tag was a serious optimist. It took 10 minute just to pry it open wide enough to get my ankles in the leg holes. It took another 5 of hopping and jumping up and down while practicing my ballet moves to get it on my fanny. Then I needed a rest. I haven't had that much exercise or heavy breathing since I was in labor with my youngest child. Once I recovered I took a deep breath and pulled with all my might to get the self shaping top half up over my shoulders. I must admit, the first thought I had was, "wow, I look good", I was admiring my newly shaped top half in the mirror when I noticed that my face was becoming the same shade of blue as the suit I was wearing. I was so stricken with pride at the image in the mirror that I failed to realize that I was unable to breath. It was just like a scene from Pirates of the Caribbean in which the beautiful damsel is gasping for breath because her corset was too tight. I found my knees becoming weak and I took the last bit of energy to pull the suit from my body and I collapsed on the tiny little dressing room seat meant only to hold your purse, and not your body. In the end I decided that the only thing "miraculous" about this suit was that I was able to get it on at all. I did however buy the suit. I have since decided that breathing is a bit overrated and that as long as 1) don't drink anything for a day prior to wearing it 2) where an oxygen mask 3) only where it in 5 minutes increments that it will be perfect. So if you see someone walking around my pool with a beautiful stride it is simply me trying to keep the suit from propelling me forward.

Disclosure: I just looked at the tag and it says "10 seconds". I should change my post but instead I will put this correction in little tiny type at the bottom of this so that I am like a real journalist! "10 seconds" who are they kidding!!!!!