Miller Mania

It's hit me this week just how little we can control life. I will deny it if you repeat this, but I kind of like control. I like to decide where we're going, what we're doing, who we're doing it with and which path we'll take to get anywhere. I'm pretty convinced that I would make an amazing CEO of the Universe if it were a possibility. When my kids were little it was very easy to censor what they watched, what they ate and who they played with. They had choices, I don't mean to make myself sound like a dictator but usually I would say something like "would you like an apple or a pear with your lunch?" With control has come the ability for me to "fix" everything. It's a rarity that there is something that a little "mommy magic" can't make better. I've prided myself in being the one who "gets things done". Suddenly this week, better yet the past six weeks, I've been forced to realize how little control I actually have in life and you know what....it hurts. It is physically painful for me to watch my children be put into situations that I can't make better. I've watched the way they handle adversity and can most certainly see their daddy in them when they suck it up and say, "well, it will work out". I on the other hand am continually reminding myself to breathe, to just make it through this next hurdle and everything will be better. I'm still waiting for that "something better" to come along. I'm feeling a bit broken right now, a bit off my game. I have found myself clutching my chest through out the day probably in a subconscious attempt to ensure that it hasn't broken in two and is shattered somewhere along with my dreams. I realize this is senseless rambling and that in the words of my husband,"it doesn't do any good to stress about things that can't be changed" but I'm not as strong as he is. I admire his ability to go to work and think about "work". I envy that ability to "turn it off" to "compartmentalize" but perhaps it comes with the mommy card we get when we have children, that inability to stop thinking for even one minute about the future and stressing about today and perhaps regretting a bit of yesterday. I guess I'll follow Jacob's advice and eat an Oreo, he says they help with just about everything and then I'll wear the knees of my pants out just a little more while I plead with my Father in Heaven to give me the strength I need.