Infinite Wisdom

I wrote this in my journal two years ago but when I came across it today I decided I might need a reminder.

Infinite Wisdom

We’ve all had “those” days, at least I hope I’m not the only one. You slept in late, the cat is chewing on Santa’s beard; the baby is taking all the socks out of the sock drawer and feeding them to the monster that lives in the dryer; you’re pretty sure there’s a gas leak in the kitchen; you have to buy a birthday present for a party, milk for the weekend, and even though you still have checks your husband insists you’re out of money. Your jeans are a bit too tight and the kids suddenly hate the oatmeal that you’re yelling at them to eat because it’s a “power food” and will increase brain function. One thinks their bangs are too long, one refuses to wear a ponytail to hide the bed head they woke up with, and the other insists that hair standing on end is the style these days. No one has matching socks, and you’re falling over the piles of clean clothes the kids left in the hall way. The highlight of your day was sticking yourself in the eye with the eyeliner pencil and it’s only 8:30 in the morning.

As I sat in the car contemplating just such a morning I again turned to feelings of self doubt and guilt. “I’m not a good enough mom. If I had gotten up at 5:00 when my husband did I would have been ready before the kids, made a spectacular breakfast and ironed the missing socks before the kids even had a chance to yell, “moooooommmmm”. But instead, I selfishly decided to cling to the last few minutes of sleep in an attempt to finish the lovely dream I was having about the beach and the waves washing everything away. I yelled at my kids, I wasn’t patient enough. I should pray for patience, but the last time I did that I ended up pregnant with my third child. Yelling to the kids that it was “scripture time and they had better have their little fannies on the couch before I count the three”, was not the appropriate way to teach them a love of the gospel. I know that but yet somehow instead of whipping out one of my “things good mom’s say”, I resorted to the clique’s seen on poorly produced sitcoms. I’m inadequate I think to myself as I sit watching my little angels walk into the school building. Each child takes the time to turn to me as they reach their door and wave, the younger two blowing kisses and yelling, “I love you mom” for everyone to hear. A tear comes to my eye and I try quickly wipe it away blaming it on the mornings make up mayhem but I know it is guilt. I want to run into the school and scoop each one of them into my arms and say, “I’m sorry I messed up. I love you so much, you have so much potential, I don’t know why God would send such a special spirit to such a rotten mother and I promise to ask him when I see him”. I wanted to take them home and make Christmas cookies, practice Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, and throw our heads back and laugh as we playfully throw pillows at each other. I want to fix the mistakes I made in the morning with a terrific afternoon, hoping that great acts of repentance will somehow make up for my inadequacy. I know I can’t though, it wouldn’t turn out the way I imagined it. There would be arguing over who gets the last snowman cookie and over what the proper actions are to the song. Instead, I wave back and blow them each a kiss and hope that tomorrow I’ll do better.

As I drive to the post office to mail a package I turn on BYU radio in the hopes of finding an answer to my silent prayers. “Why Heavenly Father did you send these special little one’s to me? You could have sent them to the perfect mother. They could have had a mom that didn’t need ten hours of sleep each night, a mom who didn’t eat the last cookie when no one was looking; the one who knew exactly the right way to call her kids to scriptures or style their hair. Why me, why someone so obviously flawed? Then, just as if the heavens opened and the Spirit spoke directly to me a song came on the radio. I’d never heard it before but the words I will never forget. It spoke about how God could have sent an army to back his message with armor and how he could have sent Jesus to be born of a King and Queen with power and riches but in his infinite wisdom he sent them to Joseph and Mary, seemingly ordinary, everyday people. This wasn’t by mistake, there was a plan. God knew exactly what he was doing and perhaps some small part of his plan was so that on days like today when mothers everywhere are questioning their ability to parent the child that seems so much more holy then she is, she could look to Mary and say, “she was like me”. We know that Joseph often doubted his ability to be the guardian of such a sacred child but would we ever doubt Our Father’s choice? Without a doubt, no.

With a strong resolve to do better I made my way to the store and the rest of my errands. I held my head a bit straighter and walked a bit taller as I made my way down the frenzied aisles of Target. Perhaps, if He sent such special children to me, that means that I am special too. And if Mary could look past her doubts and her fears then I can too. And perhaps tomorrow when I call my children to scriptures the angels will smile upon me and say, “Well done.”