First Day of High School

The alarm blared at 6:00 a.m. begging me to wake up from a night of tossing and turning and trying to get all the images out of my mind that consumed me even during the night hours. I envisioned the stories my mom used to tell of being shoved in the locker because she was so tiny. I remembered being cornered in the girls locker room by three extremely large girls who said “you think you're so smart, let's see you get out of this one”. Fortunately for me my very tall, athletic friend Heather Sheets came to my rescue and took their attention away from me long enough for me to escape to the safety of the bathroom stall why she put them in their place. I remembered the guy I was dating who got mad because someone mistakenly through a football toward my car that he threw him to the ground and beat him while I begged him to stop. I thought of the talk of parties that resulted in very unrighteous behavior. I remembered the kids that didn't fit in anywhere else so they turned to a life of drugs. I thought of the girls who unbuttoned one too many button in an attempt to attract the attention of the boys and the boys that were all too willing to oblige. I thought of the teachers who were offended when I corrected them in front of the class or even worse, the football player turned German teacher who thought he was still on the team and talked in football metaphors. I remembered trying to open my locker and balance 4 classes worth of books in my arms because I didn't want to carry a backpack and I didn't want to return to my locker between classes because I only had two minutes and that time was to be used in the bathroom. I remembered trying to eat just enough to keep me alive until after school when I could load up on caffeine and chocolate. There were late nights up worrying if the aching on my chin would result in a zit or if my bangs were high enough so that I wouldn't stand out among the sea of tumbleweed hair. I took BYU classes and AP classes in an attempt to graduate at 16 and get out of the zoo and into the real world. High School was a necessary evil and simply a stepping stone on the path to the exaltation I would find in college. All these thought were going through my mind last night as I prepared to send Zach off into the real world this morning.

We picked up his friend on the way which was probably Zach's favorite part of the morning because that meant that I would be less likely to give the traditional “remember who you are” speech that I am so famous for delivering whenever my children are going to be away from me. I did however say “remember that if you're nice to everyone no one will shoot you.” They made fun of me and my desire to have super powers but as we pulled into the new building they were silent. I could feel their tension level rise as they looked around and discovered they only knew each other and since his friend is a junior they may not see each other until his mom picks them up this afternoon. There was a sea of red, white and blue shirts and the sound of screaming girls who are being reunited after a long summer break.

There were boys standing on the corner trying to be cool and express their independence while having to obey the schools “off the collar” hair cuts and “natural color hair only” rules. I noticed a few of them trying to pull their pants as low as possible before being reminded by one of the many mentors that they must be on the waist. I was thrilled that this dress code wasn't a problem for Zach he is usually found in a polo shirt these days anyway and white and blue are his favorite shirt colors anyway. I noticed with horror that parents were simply pulling into drop off lane and then going on their way. No one was walking into school with their students and half of them were still in their jammies. I of course HAD to walk in. I had an official reason to be in the office. The boys walked ahead of me, turning briefly to give me the uplifted hand wave as if to say “no further” and my heart broke just a little bit. I turned to leave but found my feet anchored to the ground. I tried convince myself that I have done a great job raising him, that he know right from wrong and USUALLY chooses the right. I was able to take a step further while turning back to see if I could still catch a glimpse of my clean cut son. I told myself that he is a gifted speaker and can probably find at least one girl in each hallway that will point him in the right direction if he gets lost. I was able to take another small step toward the door. I said to myself, “it's okay, Celia (the director) and Cindy (the secretary) are moms, they're there if he needs them”. And then it hit me, other moms would be there for him, not me. I think that may have been one of the saddest realizations I've made through out my parenting years. It was heartbreaking to realize that other people could be there when I couldn't. I have always thought that I was irreplaceable, that I was the ONLY one that could be there to fight his battles, to make sure his papers were turned in and that he knew where the lunch room was. I knew the day would come when my role would switch from mommy to mom and eventually to mentor then “crazy lady who won't stop following him around asking if he's cold”. I just didn't realize it would be so soon.