Blood Curdling Screams

For all of you who live within "scream hearing" distance I first want to apologize for the three hours of hysterics. Then I want to ask why none of you called to make sure I wasn't being attacked by something!!!!!! Bailey went outside to the backyard to have a popcicle and found . . . . . . . . . . a snake. I know, I know, we're lucky to be alive. She ran in screaming and said "snake" which incited a small riot and sent people clamoring for the safety of the kitchen counters. GC, my dear brave, stupid husband ran for the yard barefoot and yells, "yup, it's a snake, get me a shovel." Zach came running from the basement to see what the commotion was. Words were not needed, he knew when he saw me in the fetal position screaming and sobbing that it must have involved a reptile. He grabbed the shovel and ran for the back door. My motherly instinct kicked in right about then and I pleaded with him to let dad get bit, not him. It's not that I don't love my husband but the 230 pounds he's carrying around would probably protect him a heck of a lot better from the inevitable venom than Zach's slim frame. I figured I'd have enough time to call for the paramedics before I passed out and they'd be able to save him.

He made quick work of the offending menace (sorry to all you animal lovers out there, I am not big on relocating reptiles, things with fur, yes). It fell into the window well which means that I will not be setting foot downstairs for at least a week. After retrieving it and disposing it my husband returned to the house to find all doors locked and his girls, Jacob and his wife crying in the master bedroom. The concern than became my blood pressure that is still hovering toward stroke level on a good day!! (210/120) during the commotion. After her assured me that there he didn't have any snake remnants on him, that he had washed his hands with lysol and bleach, and that he had walked around the entire perimeter to ensure our immediate safety, I let him in. My face was blotchy, eyes swollen and I erupted into dry heaves in the bathroom. Through his laughter he promised me that it would be safe for me to once again see daylight. I however have put an order in at Albertson's for grocery deliver for the next 4 months until snake season is over.

I'd like to personally apologize to my dear friend Jenna who was on the phone with me through this horrible experience. At one point I screamed into the phone so loudly that her hair do was destroyed! She was kind enough to call and check a little while after to make sure that we didn't need Valium or perhaps a tranquilizer gun. She was very patient through my sobs and unidentifiable words. She's leaving for girls camp in the morning and I'm sure she'll have my reaction in her mind each time she hears something rustling in the bushes.

I was going to call the local reptile wrangler but I knew that when he asked me if I knew where the snake went I'd have to admit that it was in my garbage can (yes, I am ordering a new one tomorrow). I want someone to come install some kind of perimeter around my yard that will prevent them from coming again. I was thinking some kind of an electrical fence.

I have since determined that it is either an anaconda, a black mamba or perhaps a garner snake. I am calling the builder tomorrow and asking him to remove all of the boulders on the empty lot that I am sure are serving as snake habitat.

I have three children in my bed tonight, one posting video reenactments to you tube and a husband wondering if he'll be allowed to go to work tomorrow.