Are there ever times that you're so
filled with emotion, both good and bad that you know if someone even
tries to hug you you're going to explode.
It is that conflict I have when I
realize that my kids are growing up too fast and that while I'm so
proud of them so happy for where they are in their lives I'm so sad
because that means that I won't see them every day. That I won't be
tripping over Legos on the way to the bath tub or finding syrup
exploded on the floor of the pantry or be texting them late at night
to tell them to turn down their music. I'm going to miss the phone
calls saying they need a ride or asking me to drop something off that
they forgot. I will be so sad when I'm no longer the one they turn to
when they have a problem that needs to be fixed. I'll miss the 12
a.m. talks on the couch with the girls about their day and whatever
drama unfolded at school that day. I will miss having their friends
tell me that I am so fun to hang out with and that they'd rather be
here than anywhere else. I'll miss having Zach share his latest music
find with me and helping him type his papers because he has so much
to do that he still needs his mom. I'm going to miss Jacob waking me
up to tell me that I can sleep in because he already made his lunch.
I will miss Bailey spinning in circles in the kitchen because she is
so happy that standing still is just not an option. I will miss
Kaitlyn raising her eye brows at me with that "really" look
and then falling over laughing because despite the fact that I'm a
dork I'm really funny.
Kaitlyn texted me this morning, it read, “Mom,
I know you're busy. I forgot something I need for science. It is ok
if you can't bring it but if you could class is at 10:20”. At
first I sighed and looked out the window at the pouring rain and
thought of the long hill I'd have to walk up to get to her school
babying my perpetually broken foot. I thought of my hair I had just
finally managed to smooth into submission. I thought of the warm
blanket I was just about to wrap around me while I caught up on some
emails. But then, I realized that what she was really saying was
“mom, you are the one person I can always count on to be there for
me regardless of I need. Thank you for loving me unconditionally.
Thank you for putting my needs above your own.”So I did what any
mother would do. I threw on a sandal and a boot and limped my way up
the school sidewalk with my plastic bag covering her project and
returned home wet, cold and with hair the size of Bozo the Clown.
There is a fine line between loving your children and smothering
them. I'm realizing this especially as Zach, now a senior in high
school, needs things. Am I bailing him out? Is this something he
must take responsibility for, is there a lesson he needs to learn
from this? I hate asking these questions because it means that I'm
raising potential grown ups and truth be told, they're not that far
from the mark. But when he comes to me and says, “mom, I had to
tell work I can't come in this week, I'm so far behind and graduation
is just more important” I can't help but see the little toddler
sitting next to me on the floor with his little pop up piano and
sunglasses singing, “Everybody wants to color on mom's homework”
to the tune of “Everybody Wants to Be a Cat”. When Kaitlyn needs
help because the combination of babysitting, homework, personal
progress and dishes is just a bit much I can't help but see her as
the tiny little girl whom I rocked for hours on end and held a
breathing mask to her tiny little face so she could get the air she
needed for months on end. When Bailey gives me that look that says,
“I can do this...no one is going to bring me down” I can't help
but see Bailey as the little girl who fell in the cement while
running to school and is panicked because she isn't allowed to take a
ride from anyone and even though it is my best friend standing there
telling her to get in the car she is standing her ground and saying,
“are you on my list? Do you know the password?”. This morning
my sweet baby Jacob and I were talking about the big emergency drill
they'd be having in Utah today and I asked him if he knew what to do
in case of an earthquake at school. He proceeded to tell me what to
do in every emergency, and much to my dismay, he told me what to do
in the case of a school shooter. He told me that he is hide in their
designated spot and not make a sound and then he added, “and then I
pray that mom is going to be ok through this'. So there you have it,
this parenting thing we've signed on for is hard. It is this
constant balancing act of holding on and letting go. Its the process
of learning how to wear your heart on the outside of your body and
keep it from being crushed....I think I need a Dr Pepper.
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